Personal struggles are very hard to talk about. But today is one of those days when I just have to get it off my chest because I can’t deal with it on my own. Or I can’t deal with my mind would be the correct thing to say.
I keep typing stuff up and erasing it again..because I’m not sure if it’s going to make any sense. It doesn’t even make sense to myself. I guess.
I had put aside this blog writing because I got to the point where I almost started regretting sharing so much. Because everyone then knew. I couldn’t hide anything behind the smile anymore like I’ve always been doing and that was just the easy way to go about it. Don’t get me wrong, nothing bad happened, I would actually say that only good things came out of me writing. Many people reached out to me saying how this has been helpful and they have been facing the same stuff, just never were brave enough to share it out loud like I did.
I’ve fully invested myself in coaching because that’s where I have found my comfort and happiness. My focus has been 100% on it and everything I’ve been doing has been about it. I’ve learned so much in such a short time, have grown as a coach and most definitely as a person through it. Clearly, it has kept my head above the water. It has been my main source of happiness and I absolutely love the part of my life. Couldn’t ask for more.
Today I’m realising that I can’t expect coaching to fill my heart fully. I can’t expect that happiness I get from my job will cover every single other aspect of my life. That opens up my eyes and makes me realise that I’m quite lost and stuck at the moment on a personal comfort level. I feel confident about my chosen career path and how that’s developing me in all sorts of ways. But besides that there is almost no confidence in myself. I never thought another person would be that peace and comfort to me. Never thought that I’d have such a need for another soul to have that comfort. I’ve always felt like I’m good enough on my own even if I had someone beside me at the time. I always though I don’t need anybody to be happy.
Lately, it just feels like I’m not worthy of another persons life. Not worthy to have a place in theirs since I’m almost like a poison. The past has done a major damage where letting me in would mean theirs get ruined. Searching of ways how to fix it. Just want to get back to normal. To what I used to feel like. The confident and independent self. Without needing anyone to keep me above the water..does that make any sense?
Got any answers how to recover?