Woke up. Turned on Spotify, specifically playlist ‘Get lost’. Playlist that was a perfect fit for my mood. Jumped in the shower. Got dressed. Had my morning coffee. Sat there on the sofa and thought – oh, this will just be one of those. That’s it, no other thoughts. Didn’t feel like I was up for anything. I told myself: well, you just have to get through it. Your duty is calling you and you have no choice. Threw my jacket on. Walked outside.
That damn snow all over my car. Thought, okay, just few more weeks and it will finally be gone again. Yup, I can’t stand winter and snow. Should move somewhere South. Summer and sunshine is my kind of thing. Started my car, turned on ‘Get lost’ again. Got out and cleaned that damn snow off. Back in the car, off to Babīte I go. U-12 tournament today. Got to the gym 20 minutes early. Sat in the car and just stared out of the windows. Nothing. Like I was there and I wasn’t at the same time.
Alright, time to get out and do the job. Mask on, I walk in the gym. Time to put on a show and be the best actress-coach anyone has seen. Two in one today.
On days like mine was today, you just have to suck it up and hide what is going on inside of you. It’s unfair to let it all out in public. It’s unfair to show up and ruin it for others or not do your job to your best ability. So, there I was. All smiles, pumped up and happy for this tournament. Giving my 100% to the girls out there and enjoying that football Sunday together with them. Or at least that mask said I was happy and enjoying it.
Tournament is over, I get back in the car and just sit there for 30 minutes. Again, staring out of the window. Drained. Emotionally and physically. I know that mask worked though and that’s what matters, even though I’m empty. Not that I wasn’t already empty when I woke up.
I love my job and coaching is always going to be my thing. But on days when you’re empty, even that doesn’t come easy. Even your favourite thing to do in the world is a little too heavy of a bag to carry.
The weird part though, I’m not sure why I woke up like that. Been on a high lately. All smiles and enjoying everything that’s going on. I guess today it just had to be this way. Here I am, already in my bed and just ready to close this day. ‘Get lost’ is on again.