It’s an awful thing to lose myself. I’m here, I exist but I’ve changed. Changed for the bad. It’s not me anymore. The things I do or the decisions I make go from North to South, East to West. One minute I’m thinking certain way, next minute it’s the complete opposite.
I’m not sure of what’s right or wrong anymore. I’m not sure of where I’m going or where should I go.
I feel guilty for complaining because more or less everything around me is good or at least that’s how everyone would see it. The thing is, it’s not about what’s around me, it’s not about the material things or what I do for living. All of that is great. Couldn’t ask for more. It’s my emotional state. It’s hard to find anything that would make me truly happy. Nothing does and it’s frustrating. I’m not happy and then on top of it I’m upset with myself that with what I’ve got in my life, it is not enough for me to be happy. Some twisted shit, isn’t it?
I’ve tried to find answers in all kinds of ways. Most of them would tear me up even more. Frustration would build up even more. Won’t even go on about the way I’ve tried.
So far only two things have helped somewhat. One of them is writing this blog and another one was reading Rupi Kaur books ‘Milk and honey’ and ‘The sun and her flowers’.
So many answers have been found in those two books. Although, I’m not sure if you could call them answers. More like, just the fact that you’re reading exactly what you’re going through about things you’re facing in your life, makes it easier to cope with them. Just the thought that someone else out there is going through the same stuff eases your struggle. Kind of wrong as well, right? Makes it easier to deal with but even worse that there are many others struggling with the same stuff.
Thanks to Liene(yup, another Liene) for a suggestion to read on some of Rupi Kaur’s stuff. Both books have been pin point reading material for me at this time of my life.